I wish if I could babble away just like I used to, but I think I understand now.
The more you taste real life the harder it becomes to wipe off the stupid fake grin off of your face.
All I could say now is that I’m numb, I lost the ability to dream and I lost my smile, I wish if it was my body that was all beat up, I wish if my soul remained restless, now I just don’t feel like I have one.
And yeah, growing up is by far the worst experience I’ve ever gone through, guess it’s time to shut up now, there’s nothing left to say.
Yes there is, there absolutely is, fuck that, when the hell did I lose that and why? Innocence is key when it comes to comfort of the soul even if this comfort is restlessness, I don’t think I lost it, I just think that I haven’t been feeling enough maybe, my emotions are not dead they’re just numb maybe?
I used to be angry with God, with the world, un-accepting of what is set up to be the rules, maybe it’s because I started to feel emotionally safe? Maybe because the search for comfort was over? It made me think that I’m not on the road anymore while the fact of the matter is I am still living on borrowed time and all the things around me are things I don’t own.
I love her, but I’m used to be estranged and alone, even now as the words race through my head I can feel a bit of a rush that flashes and fades just like a warning sign, a sign that could signify that I should leave things the way they are and redirect my heart to other pursuits, or it could mean that it’s time to tear it all down and throw it away once more.
What can I do when all I know is searching for new things? What can I do when familiarity is the death of and the end of my world.
When I was a little child I used to think that where the sky met the sea is the edge of the world and the end of all things as we know it and the beginning of the unknown, and I used to stare out of the car’s window, always wishing if I was “there” regardless of where I was, I always wanted to leave and go “there”.
I lost this eagerness to go “there” it’s all here and now, rent, expenses, the job, love, marriage, look for clients abe you’re broke.
No more questions, no more meditation, no more… Thought, no light bulbs floating over my head anymore, I even miss the pain and the fear believe it or not, no all it is, is just this numb anger, this half ass ability, no more joy in details, this is basically what art is, you won’t love every single thing you work on, but you must learn to love the process because the joy comes from creating the details, not the whole thing, it’s the building process brick by brick and you put yourself into the details.
I’m afraid to say that I feel better, and I don’t know what should I do next, I guess I’ll take some distance for now, maybe when I step back a little bit, maybe then I’ll be able to see “There” and wonder what’s on the other side once more, maybe then I’ll regain this eagerness to go There, “There” where my heart and mind will always belong, no more here and now, no more here and now, never again.