Poison… Always

You put everything you have in it, you throw it all for the alluring, hypnotic eyes of all the things you dream of and yearn for, embodied right in front of your eyes in one big bow tied gift wrap, you throw it all and you don’t just wish for the best, you keep grinding and digging every single day.
Until at some point you figure it out, it doesn’t matter what you want, or who you are or how hard you try there’s always a manipulative force throwing obstacles in your way as if you’re a lab rat thrown without much of a choice in a maze.

You fall, you stand again, you dust it off and you keep on trying and you drown in the love of it but then you get to the point where whatever is holding you back is this massive hand, you try to cut it off and move on, but it’s too strong and it’s so cruel and it just keeps on squishing you driving you either to the very edge of your sanity or at best to your demise, because you fucking refuse to do all that you were supposed to do and more and still it slips further and further and it tears you apart.

You refuse to give in but you’re numb and you discover how small and clueless you are in a big world that only understands paperwork and money, your words are irrelevant this is a place where we all should be talking in binary code.

This is a place of doubt and crushed dreams and absolutely no second chances.
I’m too numb to be angry and to ashamed to act, and I know that my beliefs should be beyond hindrances and self doubt, and I know that victories are never absolute I know a victory is mostly a shade of grey, I know that it doesn’t have to be exactly the way you imagined it and I know that there isn’t only one right answer, but for the moment I just can’t help but feel defeated.

I need to step back, I need to wake up and snap out of apathy, I need this fire in me once more and I need to find a different answer than the one I had my heart set on, and in case it doesn’t all actually come crumbling down on my head, I’ll just keep pushing for whether I make it or not I don’t want to regret wasting a single moment, I already have wasted enough time.

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