I heard once that we can travel as far as we please but the furthest place we could travel is within ourselves.
Didn’t realize how true this is till the last couple of weeks.
Let me introduce myself,
I’m Abe, an animator, 30 years old, originally from Egypt now living in Vancouver on borrowed time.
Been lucky enough to get a job the very next day after graduation, hasn’t been bad, it’s just been a departure from what I’ve been studying for 2 years, nearly 6 months with little to no practice had brought me to a point where I feel that I have forgotten my craft and the only one to blame here is me and me alone.
i have been living in constant fear and depression for too long now, about a year and a half, simply enough because I’m very focused on the negative aspects, disregarding of all the beautiful things that pass right in front of my face on a daily basis, forgetting all the good things that happened to me, forgetting the good friends who chose to be by my side God knows why, just to dive in apathy, just because I’m afraid of a piece of paper, although it’s a little deeper than that but again, worst case scenario, I go back home to my love, to start clean from scratch, but this is not what has been scaring me, I’ve been afraid of going back to square one, because if my work permit application gets rejected I will have to go back to Egypt, penniless, jobless, I know that I will not be able to deal with such a loss very well, this is what has been scaring me, sending me back to a comfort zone I came all the way here to escape from, but within this escape attempt and with the 1st high tide I met I ran back in fear to a familiar spot of apathy and self indulgence.
I realized that I’m not afraid of rejection, I’m afraid of not being busy enough so I’ll go back running to my old habits because I can’t comprehend the circumstances, because I’m afraid, and now I am paying dearly for this, I feel like I forgot everything I learned, I know it’s still there in the back of my head, but it will take time to come back to the surface.
And I know for a fact that I can kill the side that I hate inside of me once and for all but I keep saying that I don’t even know where to start from because I’m afraid to begin, because I know for a fact that knowing where to start from is the least necessary element when it comes to making actual changes, as long as there’s enough will.
I can’t afford to lose what I learned, the only thing I’m passionate about, and I can’t afford to miss out on the rest of the beautiful things waiting in my path.
If I’m distant to go back a couple of steps in regards of place and money, I don’t want to fall back in regards of knowledge, skill and on a human level.