Beautiful things.

I heard once that we can travel as far as we please but the furthest place we could travel is within ourselves.

Didn’t realize how true this is till the last couple of weeks.

Let me introduce myself,
I’m Abe, an animator, 30 years old, originally from Egypt now living in Vancouver on borrowed time.
Been lucky enough to get a job the very next day after graduation, hasn’t been bad, it’s just been a departure from what I’ve been studying for 2 years, nearly 6 months with little to no practice had brought me to a point where I feel that I have forgotten my craft and the only one to blame here is me and me alone.

i have been living in constant fear and depression for too long now, about a year and a half, simply enough because I’m very focused on the negative aspects, disregarding of all the beautiful things that pass right in front of my face on a daily basis, forgetting all the good things that happened to me, forgetting the good friends who chose to be by my side God knows why, just to dive in apathy, just because I’m afraid of a piece of paper, although it’s a little deeper than that but again, worst case scenario, I go back home to my love, to start clean from scratch, but this is not what has been scaring me, I’ve been afraid of going back to square one, because if my work permit application gets rejected I will have to go back to Egypt, penniless, jobless, I know that I will not be able to deal with such a loss very well, this is what has been scaring me, sending me back to a comfort zone I came all the way here to escape from, but within this escape attempt and with the 1st high tide I met I ran back in fear to a familiar spot of apathy and self indulgence.

I realized that I’m not afraid of rejection, I’m afraid of not being busy enough so I’ll go back running to my old habits because I can’t comprehend the circumstances, because I’m afraid, and now I am paying dearly for this, I feel like I forgot everything I learned, I know it’s still there in the back of my head, but it will take time to come back to the surface.

And I know for a fact that I can kill the side that I hate inside of me once and for all but I keep saying that I don’t even know where to start from because I’m afraid to begin, because I know for a fact that knowing where to start from is the least necessary element when it comes to making actual changes, as long as there’s enough will.

I can’t afford to lose what I learned, the only thing I’m passionate about, and I can’t afford to miss out on the rest of the beautiful things waiting in my path.

If I’m distant to go back a couple of steps in regards of place and money, I don’t want to fall back in regards of knowledge, skill and on a human level.

Advertisements

24th of December

The woods are lovely dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
and miles to go before I sleep…

Stopping by woods on a snowy evening, 
By Robert Frost

 

 

A new year is 6 days away and I’m 12 days away from becoming 30. I f living was an achievement so I guess I’d be proud about staying alive for 30 years.

But I’m afraid it’s not quite so, unless it’s the apocalypse and every passing day is a battle of survival which is not exactly the case, but the point is I’m here and so are you.
Wow, two years away from all the familiar things I’ve known and took for granted, two years have taught me what I haven’t learned in 27 years, so what have I learned so far?

I learned to appreciate my parents, you would never know how much protected and supported you are until you hit the road and the protective shield of love and care peals off and away with the distance, it will be replaced eventually by the practical and the expensive lessons life will give you, it will be compensated by some of the people you meet, some will care for you, some will love you, and some will profoundly hate you and do everything in their powers to bring you down, either way you will learn and your skin will thicken, but no matter the compensation, no matter the replacement, no one will ever spend their lives building yours, it’s a one time deal, don’t waste it, don’t take it for granted because it ends much faster than you think.

I learned to appreciate my friends, although I haven’t because I was busy building a life, and this life is still far from taking shape or form, but it’s some structure so far, very few foundations, but in the process I forgot and I drifted away till I reached the point where I believe rebuilding the burnt bridges is very hard if not impossible, trust is like a match, once lit you can never reignite it.

I learned the value of money, two years ago I used to live a hippie like life because I was born in privilege, but things changed and the money I earn is the only income I have, no interest revenues every month from the bank so, no work, no roof over my head.
I know it’s a no brainer, but it’s something I only learned very recently, always plan ahead for rainy days and do all you can to be financially safe and independent.

I learned about true love, when you fall head over heals for a woman that you haven’t touched, kissed, you haven’t even met her face to face, but you know that your spirit was created to meet with her’s at some point, you know that what you feel towards her is beyond physical attraction, you realize that it’s the real thing.
I have been with others face to face, in the same place, in the same bed even, but it never felt this way, so another lesson, no matter how far or how fast you run from it, it will smack you and the head when it’s meant to, and if it’s real, probably it will have nothing to do with physical contact, it will be just your soul losing a little bit of it’s restlessness when she’s around, even if you’re just hearing her voice on the phone.

I learned about telling stories, yet I haven’t had the clarity of mind to finish one of my own yet, which brings me to the next point.

So… 30 years old… Now what?

Now I will be as honest as I can be. I hate myself and I want to change, it’s a very long list so I’ll just stick to the main goals for the upcoming years.
I want to be a better person, I hate my fear, hesitation, I don’t like all the negative feelings rattling inside of me all day long, I hate my anger, my weakness, my intolerance, I hate my addictions and I regret all the chances I let go of because of shyness, hollow pride or hesitation, I regret all the time I wasted, hours days and years, I regret all the bridges I burned, I hate my easily irritable nature.

Nothing upsets me more than the fact that I could’ve had more work done but I didn’t because I let my negative thought and feelings take control over me and it brings me to a halt, while if I just pushed a little further I would’ve reached a farther and a much better place in life, always out of time, always out of practice and always regretting it without enough drive or energy to shake myself out of apathy.

This has to change, for I don’t like my place in the wold today and i want to be much better spot where I can climb higher everyday and take those I care for up with me, I am inspired by the charitable acts of a friend of mine and I will start doing that even on a smaller scale, not just for karma, but simply enough, what you spread around and what you surround yourself with reflects on you and your life, so I believe it’s time to break out of the loop, or at least it’s time to try.

This is a long post, with lots of ambitious words and thoughts, while the fact of the matter is I don’t even know where to start from and I know that things will never change over night, so here is a simple plan from a person who’s beaten to a pulp.

Let’s start simple, very simple, I’ll start by smiling more, I’ll try to be more pleasant and I’ll try not to care if I sound or look stupid.

I’ll smoke less and less till I quit.

I need to focus on my stories and new demo reel a little more, so I’ll put in just a bit of work in both, not necessarily both in the same day but I have to start doing that.

Now for the big one, negative thoughts and feelings, what do I do to fight those away and work my way through them to my goals? This is the biggest barrier of all, and I don’t want just a distraction, I need at least a good habit to help push those away, and staying busy sometimes doesn’t just cut it for me. What do I do about those…
I really have to think about this one, but for now, I have to get some sleep, wake up early, make my bed and head to work.

Travelogue #not sure

The worst part about travelling, staying on the road for too long, is not the fatigue, not the fear, not the solitude, but the eventual and the inevitable identity crisis, the chapter where the old you peels off and away, the natural mechanism built within us to cope and adapt.

Your residual self image changes, the way you think, the way you perceive things, it all start to shift and turn within you, like a monster awakening from decades of deep sleep, years and years of sleeping still as layers of scales and thick skin form atop of it, the mind, heart and soul which were programmed to deal with things in certain ways, the default ways is now in a state of shock, all the alarms go off and on the surface you’re just numb.

All your dreams, your past, every single thing which define who you are slowly begins to reroute itself to a new and unfamiliar set of circumstances.

As numb as I am, I just refuse that.

I was born to be childish and irrational, I know that the fact that I realize this means that I am not, but I don’t want to simply back out and raise a white flag, I’m not brave, I’m stubborn, stupid and I love my solitude, I’m angry, why the fuck aren’t I angry anymore? Why am I not scared? Why am I not planning for tomorrow? When did I lose this burning selfish passion and why? Why do I seem peaceful while there’s a fucking war between all the demons inside of me?

Why am I giving up gradually? Where did all the blood which used to rush into my head go? Is it this country? Is it the over excess of order and politeness? Is it that lately I’ve been living too ‘innocently’ a dull life with no texture? Is it because all tge taste of it was the garbage food at the end of the day?

I believe that might be just it, I’ve been in the same spot for too long, no change of scenery, no food for thought, no mind stimulants of any kind, just the work.

I’m sick, don’t need a doctor, I need to move.

Identity

I remember before I hit the reality wall in full speed I was more rebellious, I was fearless, I dared to always jump in head first and I never cared about my wounds and bruises, I remember that I was more of a mercenary, uncaring about financial security unless I find it while perusing my passion, I remember when life was less about paperwork and more about wild dreams and distant visions.

I remember that feeling when the gamble paid off and I remember loss.

All I am now is mush, dough, jelly, a being that has been hit hard by real life, poured into a dark distant corner, waiting for the big boys in expensive suits to decide my fate, as I whimper and pay my last dime, my last minute trying to prove that I’m worthy to stay a little more in their wonderland of sin, lies, deception and plastic smiles.

I sit and whimper as I get reprogrammed to abandon what I know and feel for what the world knows to be the norm.

Little by little I find myself losing all the true things worth fighting for, and I see that I was never brave, I was covered by a brave woman, my mother and a kind man, my father, as the cover starts to wether and decay I learn about who I really am, a scared, confused child of an adult, I find that I am forced into walking a path which I’ve always criticized, living on borrowed time, indulging in a love which I believe I’m not worthy of, fighting a battle which feels much bigger than I can handle at times.

Big boys in fancy suits are stealing my identity, and I am numb, angry, but numb.

And I don’t want to believe that this is the end of it, that this is who I will become permanently, I don’t want to be numb, I don’t want to feel weak and I don’t want to feel unworthy of the only woman I truly love, trust and respect.

I want to wake up from this nightmare, I do care how will it end but I care more about when will it end, I honestly don’t even care how long am I going to live as long as I don’t feel the way I’ve been feeling lately, even if it means I just have one more day to live.

I don’t want to end this on a low note, but I have nothing more to say.

Invictus, always…

Out of the night that covers me,
      Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
      For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
      I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
      My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
      Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
      Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
      How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
      I am the captain of my soul.

20’th of August, 2017

It had to happen the hard way, but I had my wake up call once I saw everything I thought I am torn apart in front of my eyes.

It all unravels once you realize that the world doesn’t owe you a thing, you owe the world to be our best self that you could be, we’re lucky to be alive, we’re lucky to have a chance everyday to make things better, we’re lucky to be surrounded by loving and supporting people, and even if we don’t have that we’re lucky to have the opportunity to go out there to find what we’re missing.

My ego was inflated for a long time, just one bump with real life and I’m back to square one, where I belong, where I thought I’m above all, I’m not and I’m sorry I even thought this way.

Time to stop saying I and me, this is not a post of self indulgence, at least I hope it’s not for my sight is too blurry to realize what’s true and what’s not, this is a reminder, no one owes us a thing, we owe each other everything.

Love and peace for all.