The nightmare state, where nothing makes sense and all things move way too fast and you’re too slow to react, to observe or to even think.
It’s the phase where life is several steps ahead and the punches just made you numb, the fear is buried deep inside but you still feel it before you fall asleep and right after you wake up, nothing distracts it but staying busy all day long.
I don’t even know if I’m asleep or awake right now, one hour ago all I knew was fear and numbness, the most dominant idea was that my bank account is almost empty, that I might not deliver the next assignment on time, that I might not find a roof over my head tomorrow, just one hour ago, and as I was searching for nibs for my pen I found my old sketchbooks since I came here, I did lose sight, I lost the sense of purpose, passion, all I could think about is food, assignments and rent which are basic things to keep in mind of course, but fuck this, when did I become so broken and beat up so badly? When did I start to bow down and just roll with the punches? I’m not even being hit that hard and I’m already scared one step away from retreating.
The thought made me angry, happy and passionate once more, the old sketchbooks woke me up, as I was looking through it, it was a prayer of a sort, I need to make this happen, I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul and whether this ship sinks or floats it’s my duty to stay on board and just fucking sail, I am afraid yeah and I’m not ashamed of it, what’s really shameful is to let go of the things that define us.
When you’re addicted it becomes impossible to imagine life without the high of the drug, in the midst if the storm of need you turn into a vicious animal you say and do things you never thought you would ever do, you would even throw the blame around and away just for one more excuse, just for one more chance to stay hooked.
But there’s an end for everything and funny enough no matter how you fight and run away you never will truly let go unless you’re really ready and willing to let go, simply because it’s not always the drug but sometimes we get addicted to being addicted, sometimes we latch on to the very methods which leads to self destruction just because we prefer to run away to a darker place where we think we might be able to find ourselves and feel good in a way or another…
But it just never works.
When I was a little boy all the other kids and most of the teachers treated me as a freak, I don’t know why,I don’t think I’m a freak and even if I really am that wouldn’t bother me,I always say that being a freak is being unique,but I’m not different just mostly quite, so as a child I’ve chosen to isolate myself from those who don’t understand, and this state of solitude, isolation and estrangement grew with me, grew to an unbearable extent, alone in my world, alone in my work and been alone in love too.
The one I loved the most was never meant to be mine and I came to a point where I made my peace with this ut was expensive though, all the things that should have never been said were said most of it were words from an angry, self involved child who couldn’t let go if what wasn’t meant for him in the first place, so yes it was expensive but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, it had to happen and the lonely child had to grow sooner or later.
When it comes to letting go, I had a good teacher, and instead of thanking her for a valuable lesson I reflected my guilt on her but the more I tried to clean my mirror the more smudged it became, so yeah she knew all along, and I knew that she wasn’t mine and yet I didn’t walk away.
And so to learn how to let go, you 1st must hold on too tight to a point where your hands bleed and your bones shatter as life pulls back in this endless tug of war, until you see the truth and what you once believed in the most shatters withe the remains of your bones and leaks away with the last drops of your blood.
After all there’s only one route to true freedom it’s full of pain, but it’s worth taking to the very end.
Answer is not in loneliness, not in being in love at someone and it’s not in setting a set of beliefs which contradict all that you know and feel, the only and absolute answer is in this magical moment after you finally feel liberated, after you see things for the way they really are, after you learn how to let go and after you make peace with your mistakes.
Only then you become an artist, an expert in a beautiful escape art, the art of letting go.
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