The woods are lovely dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
and miles to go before I sleep…
Stopping by woods on a snowy evening,
By Robert Frost
A new year is 6 days away and I’m 12 days away from becoming 30. I f living was an achievement so I guess I’d be proud about staying alive for 30 years.
But I’m afraid it’s not quite so, unless it’s the apocalypse and every passing day is a battle of survival which is not exactly the case, but the point is I’m here and so are you.
Wow, two years away from all the familiar things I’ve known and took for granted, two years have taught me what I haven’t learned in 27 years, so what have I learned so far?
I learned to appreciate my parents, you would never know how much protected and supported you are until you hit the road and the protective shield of love and care peals off and away with the distance, it will be replaced eventually by the practical and the expensive lessons life will give you, it will be compensated by some of the people you meet, some will care for you, some will love you, and some will profoundly hate you and do everything in their powers to bring you down, either way you will learn and your skin will thicken, but no matter the compensation, no matter the replacement, no one will ever spend their lives building yours, it’s a one time deal, don’t waste it, don’t take it for granted because it ends much faster than you think.
I learned to appreciate my friends, although I haven’t because I was busy building a life, and this life is still far from taking shape or form, but it’s some structure so far, very few foundations, but in the process I forgot and I drifted away till I reached the point where I believe rebuilding the burnt bridges is very hard if not impossible, trust is like a match, once lit you can never reignite it.
I learned the value of money, two years ago I used to live a hippie like life because I was born in privilege, but things changed and the money I earn is the only income I have, no interest revenues every month from the bank so, no work, no roof over my head.
I know it’s a no brainer, but it’s something I only learned very recently, always plan ahead for rainy days and do all you can to be financially safe and independent.
I learned about true love, when you fall head over heals for a woman that you haven’t touched, kissed, you haven’t even met her face to face, but you know that your spirit was created to meet with her’s at some point, you know that what you feel towards her is beyond physical attraction, you realize that it’s the real thing.
I have been with others face to face, in the same place, in the same bed even, but it never felt this way, so another lesson, no matter how far or how fast you run from it, it will smack you and the head when it’s meant to, and if it’s real, probably it will have nothing to do with physical contact, it will be just your soul losing a little bit of it’s restlessness when she’s around, even if you’re just hearing her voice on the phone.
I learned about telling stories, yet I haven’t had the clarity of mind to finish one of my own yet, which brings me to the next point.
So… 30 years old… Now what?
Now I will be as honest as I can be. I hate myself and I want to change, it’s a very long list so I’ll just stick to the main goals for the upcoming years.
I want to be a better person, I hate my fear, hesitation, I don’t like all the negative feelings rattling inside of me all day long, I hate my anger, my weakness, my intolerance, I hate my addictions and I regret all the chances I let go of because of shyness, hollow pride or hesitation, I regret all the time I wasted, hours days and years, I regret all the bridges I burned, I hate my easily irritable nature.
Nothing upsets me more than the fact that I could’ve had more work done but I didn’t because I let my negative thought and feelings take control over me and it brings me to a halt, while if I just pushed a little further I would’ve reached a farther and a much better place in life, always out of time, always out of practice and always regretting it without enough drive or energy to shake myself out of apathy.
This has to change, for I don’t like my place in the wold today and i want to be much better spot where I can climb higher everyday and take those I care for up with me, I am inspired by the charitable acts of a friend of mine and I will start doing that even on a smaller scale, not just for karma, but simply enough, what you spread around and what you surround yourself with reflects on you and your life, so I believe it’s time to break out of the loop, or at least it’s time to try.
This is a long post, with lots of ambitious words and thoughts, while the fact of the matter is I don’t even know where to start from and I know that things will never change over night, so here is a simple plan from a person who’s beaten to a pulp.
Let’s start simple, very simple, I’ll start by smiling more, I’ll try to be more pleasant and I’ll try not to care if I sound or look stupid.
I’ll smoke less and less till I quit.
I need to focus on my stories and new demo reel a little more, so I’ll put in just a bit of work in both, not necessarily both in the same day but I have to start doing that.
Now for the big one, negative thoughts and feelings, what do I do to fight those away and work my way through them to my goals? This is the biggest barrier of all, and I don’t want just a distraction, I need at least a good habit to help push those away, and staying busy sometimes doesn’t just cut it for me. What do I do about those…
I really have to think about this one, but for now, I have to get some sleep, wake up early, make my bed and head to work.