I am the frog who has been waiting for ages for the kiss that would turn him into a prince, I am the heartbreak, I am the pain of departure, I am estrangement and I am “The” stranger.
I’m the one who has been waiting faithfully for years that has passed and would’ve waited for years to come.
I am the kid who have been looking for comfort in your arms, I am the reject and I am the warm blanket of acceptance that you indulge in every single night, I am the laughter and I am the hollow feeling afterwards, I am the pure loyalty that have shrunk into the eternal nothingness, I am the mask everyone wear to hide their disappointments.
I’ve had the hope and I still do, I am the road that you stepped on to reach heaven, I am the fall you took to the very bottom of oblivion, I am the option that refused to be an option, I am a fact and I am long gone, I am the highest mountain of all standing at the end of the horizon, unnoticed, but forever proud.
I am the pure child you all stained with your lies and hollow promises, I am the mask I wear, I am the frog, I am the fucking prince… I am the king of nothing, I am oblivion. I am.
When I met her the first time we were strangers, after a whole year of friendship on her side and undeniable love from my side, we became strangers once more.
We were nice to each other, but she was a stranger to my heart, that was a woman which I thought of day and night, a woman I cared for more than anyone, and I know it was all my fault, because she was never mine, but I didn’t speak, I never let my feelings show, always acting and wearing a mask after the other, a mask of a friend who truly cares but not too much that she would notice, a mask of toughness, coldness, carelessness, mostly and the one I hate the most, a mask of practicality, sometimes I had to disappear, just to distract any suspicions that might have risen to the surface, while God only knows how I needed to spend every waking moment with her, and when I slept, I prayed for her to show in my dreams.
After I played the whole thing over and over again in my head, I’ve reached the conclusion that ended it for me, that she knew all along, she knew man, she has always known, I was nothing but that vacant kid she could spend some time with when she was bored when she felt lonely, nothing but a little cute puppy dog who slept loyally right in front of her door, waiting for her to remember me and play with me, she knew, she knew all along.
I’m not blaming her, you can’t blame a lonely woman for trying not to be alone, for not trying to have someone in her day to day life to lean on eventually, and you cannot blame me for falling in love “at” you, yes, at, because I know you have nothing for me.
And I’ve never asked her for anything, all I was doing was waiting, maybe someday things will change, maybe then if I find her, and ask her to be a part of my life, maybe then she would’ve seen me for who I really am, without the masks, without hiding or lying, but it’s all moot now.
If I said I have nothing for you I’d be a liar, but it’s not like before, like a pit where oblivion boils down below, calling for all the memories, and all it takes now is just a little push… And I am on the edge, alone again, and you are so far behind, in his arms, and as I looked at your “innocent” eyes last night, I remembered the way you looked me in the eye and told me how much you love him, and you knew… What were you trying to do back then? Just flat out insult me? Nevermind, the time for blame has passed with the last hopes I once had for believing you once more, maybe you’re not a liar, but every word you said before is a lie, and every word you might say is an illusion, God, there was a time when I hung on to every single word you said, when every tear you shad was more precious than all the diamonds on earth, but now it’s not the same, maybe it’s still there, but I don’t think there’s a power strong enough to poke the fire, it’s all ashes, and I am not satisfied, it left me cold and empty, but luckily enough, not craving for more.
I don’t mean to drag it on any longer but forgive me if I do, that’s a year wasted on trying to catch smoke, the smoke I sculpted you from, you always flowed with the smoke gently floated high above my tired mind and all the dark thoughts inside, and I am a heavy smoker, you were always in my coffee, bathing in the deliciously dark drink, placing your long legs on the edge of my cup and pointing with your tiny feet at me, winking and laughing, teasing me and I drink too much coffee…
Don’t get me wrong you always were safe with me and always will be, if I have to be there once more.
And so the ending of this story leaves me empty and unsatisfied, so much I wanted to say, how many times I wished for the day where I confront you with this, the anger I felt, the disappointment that brought me to my knees,but I can’t even be angry about it and have it mean anything any more, I can’t say that I still love you, and as much as I want to hate you I still kind of sympathize, I yearn to the way it felt around you sometimes but I don’t miss you.
So, the woman I loved the most, the one I would’ve waited a 1000 years for-if she didn’t play with my heart-the one I felt most comfortable with, the one I had no problem to kiss the earth beneath her feet just to show her what she meant to me, the woman by the sea, ex friend, stranger…
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May you all have a happy new year, full of hope, happiness and accomplishments 🙂
Now I don’t want to talk about my resolutions because I have none so far, it never worked for me, the resolutions, I prefer to think that this year that I will lose myself in Lunar Squid, a lifetime dream of mine, lately I’ve been quite self indulgent, maybe by lately I mean since I was born 😀
And in order to gain a new beginning, you have to lose yourself into something right?
So, yeah, I hope by the time the hands of the clock touch 12, I will already have lost who I am today, for who I want to be tomorrow.
See you next year 🙂 (Which is some hours away)
So, do you believe in love?
I’m sorry to say that I don’t anymore, you see, I think love is an addiction, no addiction could ever be good for you, it weakens you, when you fall in love with someone, you simply add to the list of things you fear to lose, which in many ways holds you back, it over occupies your mind, and I know that the heart wants what it wants, and you cannot control a feeling, and when it happens it just happens.
But even when it happens, maybe we should have the strength to draw back and cut our losses before things get too serious.
“Love is nothing but a chemical defect found on the losing side” Sherlock said it once, and I do believe this, Love boils down to “Need” the need to see your loved ones, the need to hear their voice, the need to be there for them, the need to do all that you can for them, the need to give, the need to care for them, the need to have them in bed to make that love complete, need, need, need, this is what it’s all about, and any feeling that puts you in a position where you need to have, do, say or feel, is nothing but a paralytic.
I just don’t believe all the crap about how it makes you stronger, because it doesn’t, have you ever been heartbroken before? remember all the heartache, the sleepless nights, the inability to focus, massive pain and endless yearning, rejection, abandonment? If you ever were, remember these things and then tell me that love makes you stronger, people walk away at a point or another, people change, and when they do, they might walk away, that’s a 50/50 chance, now I have no problem risking money, effort, time, but heartbreaks, no thanks, I even have no problem risking my own life to save another soul, or for all the right reasons, but never willing to risk my feelings once more.
I don’t know about you, and if there’s anyone reading this right now who could convince me otherwise, I’d be truly delighted, because I will not lie to you, I miss it.
So, do you believe in love? Do you believe in risking everything for someone who might just walk away? For someone who might use you or flat out stab you in the back?
Do you believe in it?