The Raven

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
    While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—
            Only this and nothing more.”
    Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
    Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow
    From my books surcease of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Lenore—
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore—
            Nameless here for evermore.
    And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
    So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
    “’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door—
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;—
            This it is and nothing more.”
    Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
    But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
    And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you”—here I opened wide the door;—
            Darkness there and nothing more.
    Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
    But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
    And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore?”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Lenore!”—
            Merely this and nothing more.
    Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
    “Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my window lattice;
      Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore—
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—
            ’Tis the wind and nothing more!”
    Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore;
    Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
    But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door—
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door—
            Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
“Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore—
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”
            Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”
    Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning—little relevancy bore;
    For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
    Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door—
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
            With such name as “Nevermore.”
    But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
    Nothing farther then he uttered—not a feather then he fluttered—
    Till I scarcely more than muttered “Other friends have flown before—
On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before.”
            Then the bird said “Nevermore.”
    Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is its only stock and store
    Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
    Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore—
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
            Of ‘Never—nevermore’.”
    But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
    Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
    Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore—
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
            Meant in croaking “Nevermore.”
    This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
    This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
    On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o’er,
But whose velvet-violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
    Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
    “Wretch,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee—by these angels he hath sent thee
    Respite—respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore;
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!”
            Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”
    “Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil!—prophet still, if bird or devil!—
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
    Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted—
    On this home by Horror haunted—tell me truly, I implore—
Is there—is there balm in Gilead?—tell me—tell me, I implore!”
            Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”
    “Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil!—prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us—by that God we both adore—
    Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
    It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore—
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore.”
            Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”
    “Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting—
“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
    Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
    Leave my loneliness unbroken!—quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
            Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”
    And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
    And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
    And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
            Shall be lifted—nevermore!
By Edgar Allan Poe
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Again and again and again…

I’ve been struggling with depression for some years now, in the search for inner peace I’ve been hit endless times, and in search for home I’ve met all sorts of people, the true, the fake, the cold, the considerate, those with a rich inner world and the shallow, the beautiful and the ugly and I don’t mean appearances.

Every time someone has to let me down, again and again and again and I just don’t give up, this hope running in my veins is a potent poison that brings me nothing but misery.
I tried not to expect anything from anyone, even from God but I believe in him, I’m angry with him but I believe he’s there and I have thousands of questions racing through my head.
Just what’s it all for? The estrangement, the heartache, the  lies, the disappointments, I’ve never hurt anyone at least as far as I recall and yet my childhood was stolen from me along with a portion of my youth.
Why do I have to be alone even when I’m surrounded by people? Why’s he doing this to me? Why do I always fall for the cold hearted liars? Why can’t I feel home and why don’t I feel comfort?

There’s nothing special about me, my pain is nothing compared to others, the homeless, victims of war all around the world and even those who can’t find a meaning to their lives, but I’d rather indulge in a bit of self pity than to live with the deafening sounds of the words that I never said.
And I’d rather stay quite around those who don’t care, so it’s a win win situation, I speak my mind in discretion and I keep my pride.

I am.

I am the frog who has been waiting for ages for the kiss that would turn him into a prince, I am the heartbreak, I am the pain of departure, I am estrangement and I am “The” stranger.
I’m the one who has been waiting faithfully for years that has passed and would’ve waited for years to come.

I am the kid who have been looking for comfort in your arms, I am the reject and I am the warm blanket of acceptance that you indulge in every single night, I am the laughter and I am the hollow feeling afterwards, I am the pure loyalty that have shrunk into the eternal nothingness, I am the mask everyone wear to hide their disappointments.

I’ve had the hope and I still do, I am the road that you stepped on to reach heaven, I am the fall you took to the very bottom of oblivion, I am the option that refused to be an option, I am a fact and I am long gone, I am the highest mountain of all standing at the end of the horizon, unnoticed, but forever proud.

I am the pure child you all stained with your lies and hollow promises, I am the mask I wear, I am the frog, I am the fucking prince… I am the king of nothing, I am oblivion. I am.

a.Badawi

I am The Lunar Squid

Not brave, no, anything but brave,
You might even call me a coward and I wouldn’t mind, a simple man frightened halfway to death by my own shadow, I just see something beyond ordinary life and I’m not trying to say that I am any better than anyone, actually I consider myself worst much worse than anybody else and I don’t care to prove the opposite anymore, if it’s a race it’s not mine I run in a different lane, I actually crawl in a different lane slow as a dying turtle some tell me I’m wise but I just fail to see it, the same way I fail to offer anything to anyone but to strangers, a couple of dimes, some help to the helpless if I could which is rarely or maybe comfort for another stranger like me.
Yeah, I am a stranger and the only ones I’ve ever felt home with usually go away and leave me alone, I’m not blaming them, I’m not blaming anyone it’s just the nature of life or just my luck they move on 1st while I stay lingering behind in this lonely space, sometime I think that my whole life is nothing but a chain of “Loiter” status.
Don’t get me wrong I am happy, at least not depressed lonely but not sad, safe and content in this shell once more, knowing that the breakout is soon to come just like it happened before and with my own choice I crawled back to my prison, which I love, a cell of a comfort zone where I create stuff hoping that I will have a bit of space and time in the unstopping ever too fast continuum of a life, a place where someone might like what I do and understand it, a place where I will not be forced into doing what I don’t want to do, a place where I will not have to be anyone but the horrible mess of a human being which I… Am.
After I failed in love, because now I figure it out, I always choose the hard way because I have commitment issues deep commitment issues, the one I chose was not meant for me, the next one is Christian, I have no problem with that but the stupid and disgusting “community” of Egypt seem to have a problem with it, even the government does, and I’ve always known that, and still I can’t get her out of my mind, just because I know it will not work, to give myself an excuse not to go out there and really look for someone “Suitable” for me.
And when I’m not looking for problematic relationships I keep thinking of women as prostitutes.
For too long I’ve been talking about me and me alone, that I came to a point where I really hate “I, Am and me” and this point has pivoted it’s spot now more than ever in “me” and so no more I, am or me, and I will let my stories do the talking for me, not the stories of “Me” no.
To become something you have to lose yourself in something and I am not me anymore, I am The Lunar Squid…
Watch me float in a wider, more imaginative space of thought and listen to my stories if you will and I hope from the very bottom of my heart that you will like it. 

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Strangers (Once more)

When I met her the first time we were strangers, after a whole year of friendship on her side and undeniable love from my side, we became strangers once more.
We were nice to each other, but she was a stranger to my heart, that was a woman which I thought of day and night, a woman I cared for more than anyone, and I know it was all my fault, because she was never mine, but I didn’t speak, I never let my feelings show, always acting and wearing a mask after the other, a mask of a friend who truly cares but not too much that she would notice, a mask of toughness, coldness, carelessness, mostly and the one I hate the most, a mask of practicality, sometimes I had to disappear, just to distract any suspicions that might have risen to the surface, while God only knows how I needed to spend every waking moment with her, and when I slept, I prayed for her to show in my dreams.

After I played the whole thing over and over again in my head, I’ve reached the conclusion that ended it for me, that she knew all along, she knew man, she has always known, I was nothing but that vacant kid she could spend some time with when she was bored when she felt lonely, nothing but a little cute puppy dog who slept loyally right in front of her door, waiting for her to remember me and play with me, she knew, she knew all along.

I’m not blaming her, you can’t blame a lonely woman for trying not to be alone, for not trying to have someone in her day to day life to lean on eventually, and you cannot blame me for falling in love “at” you, yes, at, because I know you have nothing for me.
And I’ve never asked her for anything, all I was doing was waiting, maybe someday things will change, maybe then if I find her, and ask her to be a part of my life, maybe then she would’ve seen me for who I really am, without the masks, without hiding or lying, but it’s all moot now.

If I said I have nothing for you I’d be a liar, but it’s not like before, like a pit where oblivion boils down below, calling for all the memories, and all it takes now is just a little push… And I am on the edge, alone again, and you are so far behind, in his arms, and as I looked at your “innocent” eyes last night, I remembered the way you looked me in the eye and told me how much you love him, and you knew… What were you trying to do back then? Just flat out insult me? Nevermind, the time for blame has passed with the last hopes I once had for believing you once more, maybe you’re not a liar, but every word you said before is a lie, and every word you might say is an illusion, God, there was a time when I hung on to every single word you said, when every tear you shad was more precious than all the diamonds on earth, but now it’s not the same, maybe it’s still there, but I don’t think there’s a power strong enough to poke the fire, it’s all ashes, and I am not satisfied, it left me cold and empty, but luckily enough, not craving for more.

I don’t mean to drag it on any longer but forgive me if I do, that’s a year wasted on trying to catch smoke, the smoke I sculpted you from, you always flowed with the smoke gently floated high above my tired mind and all the dark thoughts inside, and I am a heavy smoker, you were always in my coffee, bathing in the deliciously dark drink, placing your long legs on the edge of my cup and pointing with your tiny feet at me, winking and laughing, teasing me and I drink too much coffee…
Don’t get me wrong you always were safe with me and always will be, if I have to be there once more.

And so the ending of this story leaves me empty and unsatisfied, so much I wanted to say, how many times I wished for the day where I confront you with this, the anger I felt, the disappointment that brought me to my knees,but I can’t even be angry about it and have it mean anything any more, I can’t say that I still love you, and as much as I want to hate you I still kind of sympathize, I yearn to the way it felt around you sometimes but I don’t miss you.

So, the woman I loved the most, the one I would’ve waited a 1000 years for-if she didn’t play with my heart-the one I felt most comfortable with, the one I had no problem to kiss the earth beneath her feet just to show her what she meant to me, the woman by the sea, ex friend, stranger…

Goodbye.

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Happy new year!

Hello all,

May you all have a happy new year, full of hope, happiness and accomplishments 🙂

Now I don’t want to talk about my resolutions because I have none so far, it never worked for me, the resolutions, I prefer to think that this year that I will lose myself in Lunar Squid, a lifetime dream of mine, lately I’ve been quite self indulgent, maybe by lately I mean since I was born 😀

And in order to gain a new beginning, you have to lose yourself into something right?
So, yeah, I hope by the time the hands of the clock touch 12, I will already have lost who I am today, for who I want to be tomorrow.

See you next year 🙂 (Which is some hours away)

Love, Fear, and other things

So, do you believe in love?

I’m sorry to say that I don’t anymore, you see, I think love is an addiction, no addiction could ever be good for you, it weakens you, when you fall in love with someone, you simply add to the list of things you fear to lose, which in many ways holds you back, it over occupies your mind, and I know that the heart wants what it wants, and you cannot control a feeling, and when it happens it just happens.
But even when it happens, maybe we should have the strength to draw back and cut our losses before things get too serious.

“Love is nothing but a chemical defect found on the losing side” Sherlock said it once, and I do believe this, Love boils down to “Need” the need to see your loved ones, the need to hear their voice, the need to be there for them, the need to do all that you can for them, the need to give, the need to care for them, the need to have them in bed to make that love complete, need, need, need, this is what it’s all about, and any feeling that puts you in a position where you need to have, do, say or feel, is nothing but a paralytic.

I just don’t believe all the crap about how it makes you stronger, because it doesn’t, have you ever been heartbroken before? remember all the heartache, the sleepless nights, the inability to focus, massive pain and endless yearning, rejection, abandonment? If you ever were, remember these things and then tell me that love makes you stronger, people walk away at a point or another, people change, and when they do, they might walk away, that’s a 50/50 chance, now I have no problem risking money, effort, time, but heartbreaks, no thanks, I even have no problem risking my own life to save another soul, or for all the right reasons, but never willing to risk my feelings once more.

I don’t know about you, and if there’s anyone reading this right now who could convince me otherwise, I’d be truly delighted, because I will not lie to you, I miss it.

So, do you believe in love? Do you believe in risking everything for someone who might just walk away? For someone who might use you or flat out stab you in the back?

Do you believe in it?